Thoughts of today and days gone by.......

Warning this will be a long one:

When I came home this afternoon I found it really strange that there was music playing when I walked in the front door. I quickly realized that the music was playing from the computer and there was a precious letter from my wonderful husband. David knows that the past few days (maybe I should say weeks) have been very hard for me. I know and trust completely that God is in complete control of this adoption process but as a mom who likes to "fix" things I just can't stand to have to wait. David's note left me instructions to listen to three Stephen Curtis Chapman songs and I cried for 45 minutes as I listened. Here are a few of the words that I was reminded of today:

What Now (Stephen Curtis Chapman)

I saw the face of Jesus in a little orphan girl
She was standing in the corner on the other side of the world
And I heard the voice of Jesus gently whisper to my heart
Didn't you say you wanted to find me?
Well here I am, here you are

So, What now?
What will you do now that you found Me?
What now?
What will you do with this treasure you've found?
I know I may not look like what you expected
But if you remember this is right where I said I would be
You've found me
What now?

What now.......I want to take you back to February 18, 2006. This was my first trip to Ethiopia and I want to share with you some of my journal. Little did I know that this day would forever change my life and the life of two orphan children who were only a few years old, living on an island in the middle of a lake in Ethiopia. 

Feb 18, 2006

After lunch today we had the opportunity to visit "The Center for Hope" which is an AIDS orphanage in Addis. All of the children who call this place home (Over 400 of them) have had their parents die from this horrible disease and each of them find themselves battling this disease as well. As we arrived at the orphanage all of the children were play soccer, hopscotch and hand games outside. As we walked down the road toward the orphanage they all saw us and quickly ran to us. My emotions were so scattered: I wanted to pick them up and hold each of them until they were close enough for me to see the signs that they were sick. My emotions were flooded with fear of all of the "what if's" . Thankfully two precious girls grabbed my hands and they changed my fears with the simple touch of their hands. 

I spent the first 30 minutes at the orphanage painting fingernail after fingernail. With each nail it became more and more real to me that each hand that I am touching represents a life that will be taken much to soon from this dreaded disease. I would begin to cry and have to completely disconnect my emotions, look into their eyes and smile. These precious children just like my own children in so many ways- yet nothing seemed the same for them.

As I finished painting nails a sweet girls who was about 10 years old took my hand and lead me into the girls sleeping area. She was so excited to show me her bed. As she was standing proudly by her tattered bed I realized that this is all that is truly hers. I again had to shut off all emotions and just hugged her because I felt the tears forming in my edges of my eyes. This precious 10 year old girl named Alliono is so much like my wonderful Megan but what a different life she lives. They are different in so many ways- She is sick and  Megan is healthy, she has dark skin and Megan's is white, she doesn't have a mom or Dad and Megan has both who love her deeply, she shares a room with 40 other girls and Megan has a room to call her own but inside both of them God has placed a need for Himself. The outside they are so different yet deep inside everything is the same. (Another thing that is the same is they both have a piece of my heart!) Alliono is precious to me and her face will forever be etched in my mind. 

After I left Alliono I then walked up to the top of the hill to visit in the "sick child" area of the orphanage. As I climbed the stairs I wasn't sure that my heart was ready. I held the doorknob and cried out to God to be my strength as I was His Hands and Feet to these hurting children. As I opened the door a cute little girl dressed in a red outfit was standing right inside. She looked to be about one and a half  years old and she was just beautiful. I bent down to pick her up and as I did I realized that in a few short weeks her time here on this earth would be over. I sat and held her for  a while and just looked into her hurting, sick eyes. She wouldn't have a mommy to hold her as she became sicker, no one to tell her how special she is, no one to kiss her sweet cheeks, no one to calm her fears when she is scared, no one to play peek-a-boo with, no one to comfort or hold her as she ends her time here on earth and begins her time in heaven. I loved on her for quite a while and then passed her along to Chris. 

I entered the next " sick" room and this was the baby room. I noticed that there were several babies in cribs and several feeding themselves their bottle. I then noticed the adult worker in the room as she walked towards me with a tiny baby. She handed me this little bundle and she handed me a bottle. This little guys was all wrapped up in a red and white blanket. I quickly sat down in a rocking chair and felt so honored to sit and feed this little baby. As I started to rock him -I gazed into his eyes that were sparkling and wondered what His life would hold for him and where he was from. I did know that his mother had died soon after she had him and that is all I knew. I also knew that his name was Micholas. I knew that I was holding a baby boy who was precious to God and I just prayed as I sat rocking him. I didn't want him to finish his bottle because I knew that when he finished it would be time for him to be placed back in his crib and I didn't want that moment to come. As he finished his bottle I could no longer put aside my emotions and I started to cry as I remembered back to how special it was to me to feed my own babies when they were his age- How sweet it was to gaze into their eyes. He will never know that feeling and neither will his mother. As I said goodbye to him I couldn't believe that I was going to have to put him down in his crib and walk out the door. I wanted to bring him home with me- to give him love, a family and hope. As I started out the door in broken English the helper in the room told me that HIV positive babies aren't always HIV positive and that for up to six months post delivery they can carry their mom's antibodies that show us as HIV positive. My daily prayer I decided right then and there would be that this special boy would in fact not be HIV positive and that God would heal his tiny body. If he was not HIV positive then a family would be able to adopt him. I knew then that if this were the case that I would love to bring him home to live with us! 

My prayer was this...

Father- Thank you for being the father to the fatherless. You know my heart and the hurt that is there. You know how it ached today as I spent time with these precious kids. You know how hard it was for me to see such need and have no real way to help. God, be all that they need. - Give the hugs, kisses and care that they each need in ways that only you can. I know that today you have changed me forever and I know that you are calling me to be a mother to the motherless- The motherless half way around the world. Thanks for today- I will never forget where you took me to change me! I love you with ALL that I am- Use me to do amazing things for you! 

Little did I know that this first trip to Ethiopia my life would be forever changed! I had the opportunity to travel back to this same orphanage a few short months later to find out that Micholas was indeed not HIV positive and was adoptable. When I arrived back at home our family began to pray everyday for Micholas and it was a bitter sweet day when we found out that a wonderful family in Michigan would be adopting this precious baby boy. Sad, in that we had hoped that God wanted his home to be here with us, but happy that he would have a mom and dad to love him. Micholas will never ever be forgotten by me. God used this tiny baby to get my attention and turn my heart toward the motherless. 

Just as the song says...... 

I saw the face of Jesus in a little orphan girl

She was standing in the corner on the other side of the world

And I heard the voice of Jesus gently whisper to my heart
Didn't you say you wanted to find me?
Well here I am, here you are

So, What now?
What will you do now that you found Me?

What will I do now? I will follow you and love the ones who you have called me to love! Now that I have found you- You will have ALL of me! Thanks for this amazing journey- I can't believe you have called me!