There are times in my life that I am not sure exactly what to say and I am not even sure how I feel. In the past few weeks God has been doing some amazing, hard, confusing, life-changing things in my little world and so for several weeks I have been more quiet than normal. Thinking, praying, pondering, questioning, changing, growing, and ultimately learning again and again that this life is not my own.
God is doing so many things in my life and I am so thankful that He continues to stretch and grow me. I am thankful to be reminded that I will never (this side of heaven) arrive at where I need to be. This life will be a continual growing process as I continue to give more and more of myself to Him. The stretching and growing is not always a fun process. Two weeks ago as I wrestled with God about something I felt Him calling me to I simply argued with Him one morning. I had a long list of reasons that what He was/is calling me to just would not work in my life. I reminded Him of how full my plate is each day and how I have very little time for what He has placed in my path. As I was literally arguing with Him, I completely broke. I found myself in tears in the shower as I was reminded of how selfish I am with my list of what I want, need, feel, and really all I am willing to give when He wants more.
I was more broken in that moment than I have been in a long time. I spent a good portion of my day just spending time with Him. If you had questioned me that morning I would have told you that ALL of me was His yet again that day I was reminded that this simply isn't the truth. The closer I get to Him the more I realize how much of my life I still try to hang on to. The security that only He can give I try to build in my own life by making my life risk-free. The peace that can only come from Him- I try to make life peaceful and without conflict. The joy that only He can give- I try to avoid situations where I have to chose joy. I so often care more about what someone will think rather than what He thinks. The list goes on and on. Bottom line I want to follow Him when His will matches up with mine and when things get blurry (or He is asking more than I want to give) I ask Him to rethink what He is calling me to. It breaks my heart that I continue to wrestle so often with trusting that He is who He says He is!
What is He calling you to? Are you willing? What kind of life are you building? Do you care more about people or possessions? Do you even have room for God to speak or do you have your life all figured out without Him (as you pretend that He has all of you)? I pray that you will find yourself where I was a few weeks ago- Broken by His goodness as He calls you to become something more for HIM!