Last night David, Megan and I traveled all night and I had the middle of the night shift to drive. David was sleeping and Megan was singing her heart out as I quieted my soul. My life is busy and each day I carve out time to spend with God but last night I had literally hours to be still (not completely quiet because remember Megan was singing) and spend some time with God.
We have a question we ask in our family often and it is simply, "How is your heart?" Last night in the stillness I had time to search my heart with God. I had time to share with Him my heart- Yes, I know He knows my heart but it was such an amazing time of me pouring it all out to Him. He knows my desires, He sees my heart, He deeply cares about each need that concerns me. He sees how I always want things to work my way and at my pace.
I quieted my soul and He revealed to me that so often I only half trust Him. I trust Him and I want to follow Him in all I do but sometimes I want to walk ahead of Him. It is usually on the path that He has set out for me but often I am several steps ahead of where He wants me to be in the process as if I can take control and do His plan in my own timing. I spend a good bit of time in confessing to Him for my lack of willingness to truly wait on Him.
I thought over the actives of my life and where I find myself in each of them. How I often miss out on greater blessings by jumping ahead whether it is in caring for one of our adopted children and wanting results, wanting an answer to a prayer that I have been praying, being involved in caring for the least of these, a relationship to be different, or desiring a need be met for one of my children. So often I know the path that He is calling me to but I struggle waiting for His perfect timing.
I never want to be found guilty of being behind or lazy when it comes to what He is calling me to. I often feel that when He is asking something of me or revealing something to me and I want to jump in and start the process. There are times that this is indeed what He wants me to do and then there are times that He is asking me to trust Him in my waiting for His timing. He wants my soul to wait for Him.
I have never been good at waiting! You would think that after completing two adoptions (one which felt like forever) that I would have developed a good bit of patience but that is just not the case. I struggle with this and it is a deep struggle. The mom in me is a fixer and so when I see something that needs to be tended to or something that I know God is doing I want to jump in and help it along. More times than not I am ahead of Him and find myself doing things in my own strength until I slow down enough to realize that ONLY when I wait on Him am I able to do His will completely. When I rush ahead things get messy.
I read this morning in Psalms 130:5-6 "I wait for The Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope. My soul waits for The Lord more than the watchmen for the morning; indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning."
I thought about the last repeated phrase- "More than the watchmen wait for the morning." I know that the watchmen would wait up high on towers all night protecting their city. Each night (much like I found myself as I drove last night) they couldn't wait for the sun to rise for the night to be over and be finished with the task at hand of watching over the city while it was dark. I thought about how there was nothing the watchmen could do to make morning come sooner no matter how hard they might try. How they longed for the moments to pass and for daybreak to come with the rising of the sun.
I thought back to when my kids were little and how there was nothing longer than a night with a sick child. The hours seem to pass so slowly as I longed for morning. Those long sleepless nights would always be followed by a morning where I would call first thing and make a plan to get them to the doctor. There was not much I could do during the night other than hold tightly to them and pray for morning to come quickly.
I feel the same when God is asking me to wait. It is especially hard when I know that in my own strength I could make progress- not real progress but progress in my own strength. It gives me a false sense of strength and so often I find myself jumping in. I long to be at the place where my soul waits for The Lord more that the watchmen for the morning. I long to have my soul to wait for The Lord more than I longed for morning to break when I was a young mom within a sick child.
I feel that in the past few months God has called to me to several things and has been revealing several things to me and my flesh wants to jump right in and control the situations but instead I am choosing to have my soul wait for Him. It is a raging battle but a battle worth fighting so that I will be in step with Him. Not one step ahead or one step behind. Each of these situations and callings are precious to Him and I don't want to get in the way of the blessing of having my soul wait, watch and jump in when He calls.
What about you? Maybe you struggle with not stepping when He calls you to action. Maybe fear keeps you from taking action when He is asking that of you. Maybe you are like me and find yourself trying to move ahead in things that He has called you to before He wants you to jump in. Do you trust Him and His timing in your relationships (or lack there of), your job, your finances, your ministry?
Praying we will have Souls that are willing and waiting to follow Him! Excited for the journey ahead-